On returning to from England we discovered we had the wrong bag! We called United Lost and Found to report it. Interesting what United is doing to save money.
A man's dog died. The man asked the priest to have a service for the dog. The priest said they can't have a service for animal like a dog. He suggested the man go to another church a few blocks away. The man said he would do that, then asked the priest if he thought $5000 would be enough to give the church for such a service. The priest said, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?
This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some construction workers. It makes you want to believe in
the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at
Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!"
What is Spam?
Over the years, people have often asked me to explain the
various concepts of Marketing Communications. The following
analogies might help clarify the "tools of the trade."
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome
guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you
says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing
your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into
going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could
be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you
climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout
at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam.
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A clown in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
The REAL Reason Man Invented Duct Tape
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."